I guess I have been throwing off a lot of negativity lately havent I. Well the three dimensions I'm currently squeezed into arent exactly comfortable, and even I'm growing impatient with the fourth...

I should tell you instead about what's become one of my favourite occupations so you might understand why I'm doing any of it. I've yelled plenty about why I'm having trouble with it...

Most of you are makers, or would like to be. The satisfaction of creating something with your bare hands is palpable even if it is for decoration and has no real function. It rests on your palm, light picking out the detail that was once just a thought, a swirl of electrons and chemicals. I find this quite delightful, and it's enough for me to do it for that alone. Bringing value into the equation sullies it, and the routine of career destroys it, which is a pity because to display it invites both, and there are no other reasons for art than its creation and viewing.

Oh yeah money talks, I just dont like the snidey tone of its voice. Historically though, that's never paid the bills and it doesnt look like its going to change either. One of the problems with morals is they are inflexible though. It's not like I can just sell out, I have responsibilities.

Fuck it. If you cant beat 'em, beat 'em.

Still not there though. There's a sense of magic to it, I not only have the ability to tease out a thought from my brain and make it real but also to take with it something tangible... I can stuff that thought it into the mechanism and make it spring to life, animate it, and that thought carries on ticking away outside my skull. If I'm careful with the construction, that thought will outlive me.

This fascination I gather is what drives artists, authors and musicians alike, to leave something behind that will outlive them in a way unlike photographs, statuary, even a waxwork of them should they be so lucky. Immortality... Its the same with us all edging toward the Singularity, the ability to persist outside our mortal selves forever is a powerful draw, one of the basis points for religion too. It's also a reason for learning to program a computer for some people. It drives me, even though I dont have a burning need to upload my entire being like some.

There is a natural order to things, birth and death are there for a reason and its called evolution. To deliberately subvert this process, pinch yourself off as perfection with no need of further improvement is not only egotistical but stupid too. Never mind other planes of existence, deciding this one is best is also not very open-minded. I'll take my chances with the rest, thanks, and leave behind just what I can make.

I should also be more careful with what I say too. I thoughtlessly used the words, 'I have nowhere to go from here', meaning no matter what I do or say I'm stuck here as a carer, and claiming historic achievements changes nothing. You wouldnt believe how anticlimactic that is compared to what it sounds like. I havent reached a pinnacle anyway, I now have a lot of work to do a) to keep up a reputation and b) to do things I do to my satisfaction. It's a lot to perfect, I'll spend my existence vainly trying to do so for no reason than my own. I'm not looking for perfection you see, I'm driven to equivalence. Humanity set itself some bloody high standards however, and being isolated from society while I obtained what I thought was equivalence blinded me to it.

There's a lesson in there somewhere I'm sure...