Log #128: Internet of Thongs

A project log for Internet of Condoms

Putting WiFi into condoms to revolutionize our sex lives

morningstarMorning.Star 05/15/2017 at 00:390 Comments

It has become increasingly easy to connect almost anything to the internet these days, and with the Internet of Things almost anything can be connected.

Not everything that can be connected, should be connected though...

Internet of Condoms: "Find something that shouldnt be connected to the internet and design a robust application for it."

The specifications

The device contains a Schrodinger Protection Layer. For your complete safety, should the expiry be reached, a small explosive charge inside the condom decreases your chance of getting lucky with it to zero. Regular updates are sent using the power of Tweeter.

Internet of Thongs (ioThong) connects wirelessly to other Internet of Thongs devices as a companion to your favourite dating service. Hook up and track down a host interface using haptics alone with Beacon to locate and signal another ioThong.

Beacon also connects to your BedPost to send status updates using the power of Tweeter. Enjoy a wide range of online activity such as Ratings, History and of course Automatically Installed Defense System Anti-Virus.

Its a lot safer than going to the clinic, where you might actually catch something you werent expecting.


All the parts needed to make the prototype, using an Arduino of course. Some LEDs, resistors, a pager motor for signalling the host and the thong of course. I risked life and limb for this, you'd think in this enlightened day and age an old codger could rummage through the ladies underwear section uncontested.

If only she knew what I really had on my mind.

Style it out

Safely back home, a quick bit of prototyping to get the case worked out. Ergonomics meant that it had to be curved, and fit comfortably. All the signalling hardware had to fit and be in the right place, which called for a nice tight integration.

It took a couple of fumbling attempts but I got there in the end.

That takes care of finding a host interface, the next problem is port orientation. To facilitate this Internet of Thongs includes a Landing Strip which activates when two Thongs wirelessly sync up to the same charging station and switch to intimate mode. Two rows of strobes light the way to touchdown.

Product Styling And Placement

We are now ready to deploy our research units in the field. We've chosen a mature market to penetrate with our dynamic toolset.


While a halter thong seems simple enough, there's a lot goes into it unless its lacy or rubbish, possibly both. You get what you pay for...

Female Size 12 (UK) is approximately the same as 30" waist, 30" leg in male sizes, about average so I've scaled the design on that for the prototype.

The body is luckily divided equally into its dimensions, clothes design basically encloses each part using a set of rules. 30" waist means a 30" torso as well as inside leg, making that easy. All you have to do is draw the outline because the fabric stretches enough to accommodate the curves of the female form. The Mankini version of this will need darted seams to allow room in the basement...

The fabric is folded in half along the centre of any patterning or along the grain and the template pinned to it, then it is cut out.

Leaving a symmetrical shape and pattern using a half-template. Extra fabric is allowed for the hems, which fold back under themselves twice to hide the raw edges.

The hems on stretch fabric are handled differently to ordinary fabric. Because a line of stitching normally cant stretch because it is formed of two lines of thread twisted around each other, seams are done using a zig-zag pattern that expands linearly.

Same goes for the interfacing. Intimate clothing generally is lined with a plain cotton fabric, plus Internet of Thongs needs a pocket for the Kooga.

Finally all the parts are brought together and stitched together hiding the raw edges of the fabric with folds as it is attached. Details are added last of all.

Dont forget to tidy up the ends of the threads. Commercial clothes invariably have a loose end or two. :-)