I started de-soldering connections, more or less working my way backwards until something worked like it was supposed to. Except that never happened. I broke down and bought another batch of components which should arrive soonish. From the testing I've done the circuit should actually work, which leads me to believe that the micro is fried. Unfortunately, it'll be a huge pain to swap it out since basically everything is built up around it. I think I'll replace it with a socketed ATtiny85 8-pin DIP, since I actually have some now. I've learned my lesson - I'll be using IC sockets for everything from this day forward. I've been slowly getting the hang of DipTrace and I may just send out a board to get fabricated like a normal person.. as cool as the deadbug air wiring looked I think I need to take a different approach.
I'll update this log once parts show up and I figure out what I'm doing with my life.
EDIT: DERP the schematic I uploaded is wrong. I criss-crossed the coils on the two relays. The actual hardware I have here is wired correctly, but the schematic is wrong. I'll fix it and upload a new one shortly.