Oh thats it. I'm out of the competition and I need to concentrate my energies on fixing my circumstances.

I cant live like this any more. It may be perceived as clever to be able to build stuff out of scrap, repurpose old equipment and the like but I'm not doing any of this to be clever. I'm doing it because I'm flat broke beyond food and a roof over my head and its just getting worse. My income is capped and prices keep rising.

I logged about the ESP's, they took so long to arrive and then caused me grief. I've got working limbs, code to drive them, a board to put the chips in and 4 chips - the 328s - but I've run into an unsolvable problem with them. Despite falling back to a couple of genuine Arduino boards running the AnalogSerial example wired to a potentiometer, I cant get the ADC's to work and neither me nor Arsenijs could make sense of it. To be honest I'm using decade-old shit and its probably that.

The reasons I've been getting a lot of crap from people I share a town with are complicated, one of them is a persistent habit of paying more attention to my devices than people, and being a bit unapproachable apparently. I should do something about this seeing as I now have a public image, and spending my days hiding out and playing with computers or even cardboard isnt very sociable.

My public image is also worrying in other ways. I came to HaD to find others like me, and over the last six months came to the disturbing conclusion that there isnt anyone not only anywhere in Britain, but globally either. Projection Synaesthesia really is that rare, generationally. It upset me; I felt alone and wandered my home turf feeling like an alien stranded on Earth, the only one of my kind.

There are other ways of looking at it however. I could describe myself as the most widely-skilled human on the planet... Leonardo DaVinci managed to integrate the sciences and arts, but I've added music to the list of skills he could apply. To be fair, he didnt have access to computers, and a Lute never inspired me either much. Cant say the idea of being the new DaVinci really inspires me either. It'd be different if I had the lifestyle that should bring me, but instead I'm a carer on benefits. Thats just embarrassing, if nothing else, and its not the caring part that I have a problem with.

You might wonder why I dont just change this, but Bea doesnt want the half-assed care she'd get from zero-hours carers so I have to do it. Secondly, as her parent I always spoke for her, but as an adult in care she was given advocacy. When I then began caring for her again myself, they gave me that advocacy because they couldnt take away the voice they'd given her. This means that I have to speak for her against my own opinion, act for her against my own judgement, and that includes ending that relationship.

I'd never voluntarily give up caring for her, but thats not the point. I'm legally forced to do it as a matter of responsibility, and I didnt volunteer for that. It's an abuse of my rights as an individual because I'm not compensated for it either, I'm treated as a burden. It isnt like I feel I deserve better, but FFS, a man with my talents kept as a slave by the government to serve their amoral agenda is just ridiculous.

All in all, I'm done. I can only apologise to those who feel let down, but this cant go on.