• They're everywhere.

    06/03/2017 at 09:01 0 comments

    This probably looks like whining but I'm going to post it anyway.

    As you all know, the bulk of my attention goes on caring for my daughter and keeping body and soul together. It keeps me around the house a lot, and I dont get much of a break from it. I do get respite, which takes the form of Bea going to a care home around the corner from where we live that's run by the state. Bea has some friends resident there who she then gets to spend a few days with once a month. Naturally, the focus is on Bea having a break from routine.

    Nobody gives a damn about the carer who handles the routine though. Unpaid, unsupported, unappreciated and largely ignored for 9 out of every 10 days by the system set up to address her welfare. I dont understand what's kept me sane over the decades of abuse either, but sane I am. Allegedly...

    Bea is largely not bothered, if she understands she doesnt communicate it and just gets on with bea-ing... She bothers no-one, and those that know her, like her. Mostly anyway. Well she's just been away on her break, returning Thursday night in her usual manner, looking like she'd been through a hedge, with pockets full of stones, in clothes she traded with her mates. I've about given up and just accept this as part of life; despite having rules and regulations, procedures, routines, steering meetings and buzzwords used to avoid addressing it directly the system basically cant look after her. Oh she's well fed, protected and respected, all the things you'd expect to work do, but plait a couple of feet of hair and make sure her socks arent odd? Well, we are talking parenting skills and not everybody has them, but the system employs carers who really should. Its just irritating, particularly after another branch of the same system basically accused me of neglect.

    So Friday night, with the return of Summer's longer evenings Bea sneaked out on the balcony and normally that isnt an issue with the neighbour kids around. I pay attention, its not like she'd wander off but I dont let myself get absorbed in things and it isnt long before I wonder what she's up to. (if you have children, you will understand the prickling sensation of silence in a house normally populated by screams and thuds that sound like murder. Quiet usually precedes actual trouble...) I had one eye on HackChat, waiting for the audio session which I've yet to read because I missed it, and one eye on the news, Bea vanished upstairs after dinner so the next thing I knew was her upset, bawling her head off. The neighbour kids scattered and I couldnt get out of them or Bea exactly what happened. Somebody had been nasty to her I think, some teenagers on their way to the play-park to smoke and hang out with their equally rancid friends from what I could make of it.

    This upsets me at the best of times, but last night really got to me. Had I been able to prove this or at least identify the little b*d who caused it, I would have caused him significant trauma teaching him some respect for others, and it frightened even me. I'm not the kind of man who easily gets enraged, it takes a lot. I'll growl and bark before I bite because I dont do anything by halves and violence is no exception.

    I cant even write eloquently about this, or paint it, and it even interferes with my ability to play an instrument. I dont want to dump it on my friends, and it seems I'm pitied for it if I say anything but thats not what I want when I do. The feeling of being trapped by this is tangible, and sometimes it reaches a point where I would literally beat some troll senseless with my fists. And I do not like this at all, I normally will put myself in harms way before another without thinking about it. And I like that about myself, I've proven myself capable of dealing with some pretty intense stuff.

    I wish it didnt cause me black depression but it does, I look to others to behave like humans too, and when I get let down by filth like that it only highlights the decency I find among you guys. Thats...

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  • Harsh Realities, 1st World Problems

    04/20/2017 at 08:33 5 comments

    This is one of the things I have to deal with.

    I get a real buttload of flack from all walks of life. I'm on benefits, and as a carer exempt from the usual crap of going down the JobCentre and looking for work. Scrounger, lazy, crazy, scruffy and worthless. Probably a stoner and a drunk too, its not my favourite place to hang out anyway. They hate me in any case - even if I didnt have Bea to look after I'm practically unemployable.

    Who in their right mind would take on someone who could replace them and half their staff, and document it in multimedia. Thats another reason the benefits agency dont like me very much, and I'm not proud of it. I should be, I know, but I'm not a star...

    Then I get this nonsense. Luckily for them, it isnt for me. Because we have an agreement about this after lengthy discussion with the social arm of local authority... But if you want evidence of the idiocy of this government that ^^^ would be it. Instead, they are asking my daughter to justify her benefits.

    Considering they wrote to me, and know I have to fill it in on her behalf because of her profound disabilities. They wont even let me volunteer, or do charity work without sanctioning me. What the actual f*ck is wrong with these people?

    I'm not crazy, but there is a real danger to my sanity and thats why I get depressed. There's only one way out. Two if I count suicide, and I dont mean crying for help. Been there, done that, have a range of hand-painted TShirts on the subject... What the system wants is Bea in care and me earning them significant tax return on my endeavours, and I'd agree if she minded. But we both know it means her staring at the walls, unkempt and not cared for like I do, while I fly off to fulfil my dreams.

    Would you?

  • Quantum Electron Tunneling Revisited

    04/08/2017 at 21:53 0 comments

    While I was digging around around among my boxes of crap looking for hardware, I found a whole bunch of things I havent seen in a while. Oh Seredipity, sister to Muse...

    This is one of those things. I made some batteries accidentally but I dont have the equipment to test and reverse engineer what I've built, so I'm guessing. Well I found the original test pieces that are now over three years old and are still performing as they did when built.

    Being as I cant print yet, having lost a motherboard to my nemesis Lady Fate, I decided to test them again.

    These are the test pieces. As you can see, really simple. Just a layer of silicone flue sealant and another on top with graphite added, smeared on a piece of lead. The lead is oxidised to hell, this bit came off a roof and was scavenged from a pile of rubble that used to keep one away from the ground.

    Yep, still reads half a volt. Thats not electrolysis, it would have dried up a *long* time ago.

    Similarly with the other one. The copper and aluminium test pieces are as good as dead, only marginally above the flutter you get on a test meter anyway. I havent shown them but they are pretty much the same as these ones otherwise.

    Knowing lead, that shouldn't work but it does. You need to poke the oxidised surface quite hard to get a clear reading with the probe, so the silicon crystal is definitely doing something to it in contact. The reverse side in contact with the lower one is not cleaned up.